Practical, Strong and Ambitious
I met a man today who knew me for sometime now and after a conversation today he described me with these three words. I laughed when he said that, trying to find myself in each of those but there was no sign of me in any of them. After a while I left for home forgetting everything about the conversation.
Sometime back when I was sitting in my room and staring at the window, suddenly there were tears in my eyes, they were huge and unstoppable. The worst part was I had no idea why did they come at the first place. It was only me in the room confused on the sudden emotional outbreak and crazy water gushing out of my tear glands.
This was the part where I knew I was not strong. I was just a chick who pretended to be strong but from within I am shit scared of people around me, people hurting me, people trying to put me down and situations that can test me. I go numb in hard times but people believe it to be strength. It is all because they do not know I am filled with fear from inside and these occasional unknown, unnecessary and out of the blue breakdown is the obvious result.
I wiped my tears and went on the terrace trying to call somebody who would listen to me. Arnav, Mom, I could not think of a third name.. I guess I just have them right now. What happened to all those people who were in the happy pictures with me? What stops me from telling them what I feel? Am I pretentious? Always on a mission to show that I am fine and practical about things, showing that I do not care a bit when a friend I always looked upon just leaves me one day. I am as emotional as one can be. That is why I expect and hope that all those who have left me behind might meet me on the way someday and we again get to click happy pictures.
When nobody was available to talk I knew I had made these situations and it was okay because I had to deal with them. I remembered the man's words and smiled. He was so wrong or maybe I was good with manipulation. The 2 hours alone proved I wasn't practical and I was scared galways. The ambitious part was also nowhere true, me who still can't figure out what I need from my life is sure not ambitious enough.
But I have hope with me.. Hope to live life and enjoy everything it gives.. though with a scared heart which is emotionally paralysed and a mind that is chaotic every time.. I will live with it.. And maybe continue manipulating too.. Or maybe not..
I met a man today who knew me for sometime now and after a conversation today he described me with these three words. I laughed when he said that, trying to find myself in each of those but there was no sign of me in any of them. After a while I left for home forgetting everything about the conversation.
Sometime back when I was sitting in my room and staring at the window, suddenly there were tears in my eyes, they were huge and unstoppable. The worst part was I had no idea why did they come at the first place. It was only me in the room confused on the sudden emotional outbreak and crazy water gushing out of my tear glands.
This was the part where I knew I was not strong. I was just a chick who pretended to be strong but from within I am shit scared of people around me, people hurting me, people trying to put me down and situations that can test me. I go numb in hard times but people believe it to be strength. It is all because they do not know I am filled with fear from inside and these occasional unknown, unnecessary and out of the blue breakdown is the obvious result.
I wiped my tears and went on the terrace trying to call somebody who would listen to me. Arnav, Mom, I could not think of a third name.. I guess I just have them right now. What happened to all those people who were in the happy pictures with me? What stops me from telling them what I feel? Am I pretentious? Always on a mission to show that I am fine and practical about things, showing that I do not care a bit when a friend I always looked upon just leaves me one day. I am as emotional as one can be. That is why I expect and hope that all those who have left me behind might meet me on the way someday and we again get to click happy pictures.
When nobody was available to talk I knew I had made these situations and it was okay because I had to deal with them. I remembered the man's words and smiled. He was so wrong or maybe I was good with manipulation. The 2 hours alone proved I wasn't practical and I was scared galways. The ambitious part was also nowhere true, me who still can't figure out what I need from my life is sure not ambitious enough.
But I have hope with me.. Hope to live life and enjoy everything it gives.. though with a scared heart which is emotionally paralysed and a mind that is chaotic every time.. I will live with it.. And maybe continue manipulating too.. Or maybe not..
